This Heart Beats For Only You
by starsareFALLING
Summary: Buffy reflects on her past mistakes involving a certain brunette, and decides to finally say what's in her heart, no matter the consequences. Songfic to My Heart by Paramore. Implied B/F. Review?


So, the story goes: Buffy's just been kicked out of her house by the potentials and she's off on her own, upset, listening to a half-broken stereo on somebody's roof.

The whole of it generally just really sucks, but I've been listening to the song on repeat and I figured it fit, so this is what came of it. Song: My Heart, by Paramore.

Review if you'd like. It would cheer me up a little.

(By the way, yes, the ending is a big run-on, but it was on purpose. I wanted it to seem like everything happened all at once.)

* * *

_I am finding out that maybe I was wrong_

I've always known I was. I've been to stubborn to admit it, to anyone, even to myself, but I knew I was. I know I still am.

_That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone_

I can't, and everybody knows it. Everything is so hard. I can't lead them. Nobody trusts me. I've just alienated the only one who was willing to try…

_Stay with me  
This is what I need  
Please?_

That's all I've ever needed. All I've ever needed was for you to stay. We could have fixed everything. We could have made it better. I only needed you to stay. If you hadn't gone to the Mayor, if you'd only stayed with me, if I'd only let you… things could have been different…

_Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you_

We all would. We all feel bad for what we've done to you. Giles, and Will, and Xander… they see how much you've changed. _I_ see how much you've changed.

_We could sing our own, but what would it be without you?_

What would it be without you? What am _I_ without you? I used to try to tell myself that it didn't bother me that you were gone, that you were mad, but it did. It does. I know what I am now. I'm nothing. I'm cold and numb and alone, and for once I know how you feel… how I made you feel… all that time.

_I am nothing now and it's been so long_

How long has it been now? Two hours? Three? I don't remember. Was it really that long ago? You tried to help me, to protect me, to fight for me. You wanted me to stay… at first. I ruined it. Just like before. I know it's always been my fault. I never let you say how you felt. I pushed and pushed until you were too angry to remember. Every time.

_Since I've heard the sound, the sound of my only hope_

You always were my only hope. I had so much for us. I hoped one day you'd wake up from your coma, one day you'd come back to me, one day you would talk and I'd listen, one day I wouldn't hurt you or argue with you, one day you'd change me…

_This time I will be listening_

I will be. I'm listening now. I don't want to fight anymore. I want to take it all back. I want to tell you everything I didn't. I want to hear what I never let you say.

_Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you  
We could sing our own, but what would it be without you?_

What am I? I'm hollow without you. I can't feel. Ever since you went to the Mayor, the way you smiled like you didn't care… Ever since you went to prison, the way you stared at me with those eyes… Ever since you got back and you looked at me like it was all you ever expected for me to hit you… I'm empty. I can't feel anything anymore, now more than ever because you're here and I'm still the same as I've always been… I haven't changed. Why can't I just let you in?

_This heart, it beats, beats for only you_

It always has, Faith. Always. Ever since we met, you were always on my mind, always in my heart.

_This heart, it beats, beats for only you_

I liked to pretend I hated you, but I never did. I loved you. I still love you. I hated how you left me. I hated how I pushed you away. I hated myself for hurting you.

_This heart, it beats, beats for only you  
My heart is yours_

If only I could give it to you. If only I could tell you everything I wanted to say, everything that's been screaming inside me for so long…

_This heart, it beats, beats for only you  
My heart is yours  
(My heart, it beats for you)_

It beats for you. Only for you. It beats faster and slower, and so hard sometimes that it hurts… It's yours, only yours… but how could you possibly know?

_This heart, it beats, beats for only you  
(It beats, beats for only you)  
My heart is yours  
(My heart is yours)_

Always yours. I didn't love Riley, I didn't love Spike… You stole my heart right out of Angel's hands, and you've had it ever since then, for so long… Why didn't I let you know? Why didn't I tell you? Why didn't I kiss you or hug you or promise you that I'd be waiting for you whenever you came back?

_This heart, it beats, beats for only you_

Only you. Always you.

_(Please don't go now, please don't fade away)_

I couldn't watch you leave again. Not again. Not when you just came back. It would kill me. I don't deserve it, but stay…

_My heart, my heart is yours _

It's yours, and you can have it. I could give it to you now, finally. I could stop being so stubborn, I could let it go--but why would you want it? Why would you want me? I've only ever hurt you, I've only ever pushed you away. I want it to stop. You could have it, if you'd only take it…

_(Please don't go now, please don't fade away)_

I'll be honest now, and you can stay. We can be happy like we were before. We can stay out slaying and joking and watching the sky. I can let you in and tell you how much I love you and you can tell me secrets and talk about your family, and neither of us will hurt anymore…

_(Please don't go now, please don't fade away)  
My heart is yours_

I'll tell you everything I never said. I'll open up to you and I'll tell you I never blamed you.

_(Please don't go now, please don't fade away)  
My heart is yours_

I'll tell you I only ever wanted you to stay. I only ever wanted to hold you, to love you, to be with you…

_(Please don't go, please don't fade away)  
(Please don't go now, please don't fade away) _

Don't go. Stay. Stay for me. Stay with me. Help me…

_My heart is_…

And suddenly she's here and I can't breathe. I don't know how long I've been on this roof, or where this roof is, and I don't know how she found me, but she's here and she's staring so hard into my eyes that I can't move, I can only stare back and fight to breathe again. The song on the CD has changed to something else, but I can't tell what it is or if it's even the same band because I'm deafened by the blood rushing in my ears and my heart pounding in my chest, and my eyes are burning, and she catches me just as I fall into her, sobbing, and she's holding me and telling me everything's alright and that we'll be okay… but it won't be. I haven't told her. I haven't said a word. I'm only crying uncontrollably into her shoulder and not saying a damn thing. I pull away and try to talk and she hushes me.

No! For once in my life I'm going to say exactly what I want to say. I'm going to let my heart talk, I'm going to say what I feel, and I don't give a damn.

I love you, Faith.

* * *

Sucks, huh?


End file.
